The year before I turned 40 I was in great shape. I had lost 35 lbs. and was an avid runner. In December of 2008 I ran a half-marathon and felt on top of the world. I decided that this time would be the last time I lost weight. This time I would keep it off. This time would be different. I felt so good, why on earth would I gain weight yet again? And because I was about to turn 40 I knew that if I were to gain weight it would probably all be over for me. Getting it back off would be close to impossible.
Because I had indeed done the same that I had always done, of course the weight did come back. Sigh…
Now what am I going to do? My life is over, I am fat, I always will be fat, I hate myself, and there is no hope. On occasion I would muster up the determination to go on yet another diet, and because I am older, then it will take a little longer, but that’s OK I must do it. But, oh I just can’t. I’m tired if this, who wants to live a miserable life of depravation and exhaustion? So my diets lasted less than a week and life goes on, still tired, fat and feeling bad about myself. Not to mention feeling inadequate, like a failure in every area of my life and lonely. I add lonely because I tend to isolate myself from people when I get this way. I assume that no one wants to associate with a person like me, so I check out and keep everyone at a safe distance. I also feel like I am the only one that feels this way, I am in this alone so no one wants to hear what I have to say, again, no one wants to be around me. And the thought of anyone getting to know the real me, what I am really like, what I really think, what I really feel is just intolerable.
Deep inside I know that this can’t be true. God could not have created me for such a miserable life. But how do I snap out if it? How can I lose weight and be happy? Ha! Did you catch that? I have come to believe that I must be thin to be happy. This is what I addressed in my last post I am not the image on the magazine cover.
Weeks ago (around the time a began this blog) God began to speak to my heart. At this time I pretty much decided that indeed I was not going to be dieting any more. I also began to understand that the only road to happiness would be freedom. I knew where I was headed but I still wasn’t sure how I was going to get there.
As God would have it a fabulous book landed in my hands. This book written by Geneen Roth “Women, Food and God” has really been instrumental in helping me make this great turnaround in my life. It has confirmed what I knew I needed to do and has also given me guides as to how to get to where I am going.
Geneen Roth is not a believer of follower of Christ, therefore I was wanting to be very cautious and discerning as I read her book (twice). I will be writing a lot about what I have learned and about the practices that I follow, however in order to be more rooted in truth (the only way to freedom) I am now reading a book by Dallas Willard called “Renovation of the Heart”, a book that speaks to the issue of spiritual formation and, as the title states, renovation (transformation, change) of the heart. This is a process that begins from the inside. What I am praying for is exactly that. I pray that my heart would be transformed, that I will see and seek truth, truth that will be setting me free.