Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Roots of my Insecurity

For the past few days I have been all over the place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I have so much going through my mind that I am trying to sort out that I couldn't possibly be able to "pen" it all down.

Today was one of those days that I felt like my children would be better off without me. Maybe I should just find a great career and let someone else take over this huge responsibility that I just don't feel like I can handle. I am way out of my league and totally in over my head.(I know, a lie straight out of hell, since I don't trust God that he has equipped me to take care of the children that he entrusted to me).
It also just so happens that I overate today, which got me to thinking. I try to picture myself in the situations when I tend to overeat. The common thread that I seem to find is that every time I overeat I am feeling very insecure. I feel that sense that I really am in over my head. It is a "I do not belong here" feeling. When that happens (quite often, I might add) I disengage, withdraw, quietly crawl into my little hole and be sure to bring a lot of food along so I can at least feel some pleasure. As a child I was a foreigner no matter where I was. And although I was born in Chile and considered myself a chilena, I just wasn't. And when I came to the States I was used to a different culture and although by all appearances I was an American, I just wasn't. I have now lived in the States far longer than I ever did in Chile, yet those roots of insecurity follow me everywhere I go, no matter where I am or what situation I am in. I constantly feel like I DO NOT belong.

It's hard. It's hard to drive to the soccer field in my little Scion and see that the rest of the vehicles in the lot are Suburbans, Odysseys, and Cadillacs, and where every member of the family has an iPhone. It's hard to walk out of my 1300 sq. ft. house and arrive at my sisters 2000+ sq. ft. house that has no dust in sight, all toys picked up and where the dishes are cleaned and the floor is swept after EVERY meal. It's hard. It's hard to sit at the dinner table with the boys (that includes my husband) and try to enjoy the topics of conversation that range anywhere from math and algebra to any and every bodily function and sound imaginable, then listen to them laugh about it. I don't belong here. It's hard to be out and about and be so obsessive about checking out every woman in sight and comparing myself to her, they are all skinnier and more beautiful that me. And don't even get me started on the gym! It's hard.
It's hard to go blog surfing and check out all of these incredible women and their incredible creations and homes. So I try, but, I don't belong here either.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Beginning of a Journey

A few months ago I began reading a book called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I have read a few of her books and gone through several of her Bible studies. I really like Beth Moore. She has always inspired me and has pushed me to be a better lover of Christ. Being that I am a woman and, I am full of insecurities (aren't we all?) I picked a copy up at my local christian bookstore and began to read. This is a book that seems to me to be quite different from the rest of her books. I felt like it was a little "sloppy" in the sense that it wasn't layed out real methodically, step by step, point by sub point like she usually does. I sped through it trying to find the "recipe" and quick fix to my insecurities. However, I was lost and I got about 3/4 of the way through and it ended up under my bed, as opposed to next to it.

Fast forward a few weeks and find me once again at my "I'm so desperate" point because my weight has once again gotten way out of control. I mentioned before in my Create in Me blog that I am the poster child for the yo-yo dieter and as most dieters I am so sick of this life. I have lived the past 25 years pretty much either losing weight or gaining weight. I think that the only time I ever maintained my weight was for one year because I had gall stones and I didn't have health insurance to have the gall bladder removed. I spent the year eating a virtually fat free diet so that I could avoid a gall stone attack. Let me just say that I have had two babies "al natural" and I have never experienced the kind of pain you endure during a gall bladder attack. I would rather go through several birthing experiences than to have one of those! Needless to say, as soon as the insurance came and the Dr. got that gall bladder out, the weight began to creep back up. Oh how I would love to figure out how much weight I have lost and gained over my lifetime, on second thought, maybe I wouldn't.

Because I am miserable and uncomfortable, and I have a closet and garage full of cute clothes that don't fit me I decided AGAIN to go on ANOTHER diet. Sigh...
I just don't think I have it in me anymore, seriously. Last time I lost weight I was approaching 40 and I just knew that this would be the last time. I can speak from experience that the older you get the harder it is to get all this fat off. And really, I'm not sure what happened, but the minute I turned 40 my body changed. Amazing. I was so determined to face this era of my life with the greatest of dignity and laugh in the face of aging, but life is cruel and it has been so enlightening to see that no matter how hard I try to think that I am young, or how young at heart I think I am, aging happens and it's getting the last laugh.

As I ran back to God this time I have been pleading with him to help me once again. I am thinking, I can't do what I have always done, it will not work. Or if it does it won't be for long. Other times I thought it was different, I honestly did. Don't we all, because we could never see ourselves in THAT place again, so we give away all of our "fat" clothes and with determination we decide to begin the new life we have made for ourselves. One where we feel we have conquered it all, we have "arrived" and we can find great joy and happiness with our new look.
Everyone notices and sings the praises we have so desperately been longing for, those that to some extent help us feel like we have some worth. We feel so secure. Or do we?

Today I dragged my book out from under the bed, blew off the dust and began to read, this time slowly. The more I red the more I began to see what I think deep inside I have always known. There is something so much deeper here to deal with than the unwanted weight I carry around. There is a weight that is so much heavier that the 50 lbs. I long to lose. The weight of insecurity.

So this is where my journey begins. And for some strange reason I want you to come along with me. I have so many deserts to cross, mountains to climb and rivers to cross, no telling how many detours or scenic routs we will have to take, but where I want to get to is a promised land. Maybe where my luggage will be 50 lbs. lighter, maybe not. I personally can't wait for what the Lord has in store for me. Come take your bags, some water and maybe some Kleenex, if not for you, I know I will certainly need some along the way.