Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Beginning of a Journey

A few months ago I began reading a book called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I have read a few of her books and gone through several of her Bible studies. I really like Beth Moore. She has always inspired me and has pushed me to be a better lover of Christ. Being that I am a woman and, I am full of insecurities (aren't we all?) I picked a copy up at my local christian bookstore and began to read. This is a book that seems to me to be quite different from the rest of her books. I felt like it was a little "sloppy" in the sense that it wasn't layed out real methodically, step by step, point by sub point like she usually does. I sped through it trying to find the "recipe" and quick fix to my insecurities. However, I was lost and I got about 3/4 of the way through and it ended up under my bed, as opposed to next to it.

Fast forward a few weeks and find me once again at my "I'm so desperate" point because my weight has once again gotten way out of control. I mentioned before in my Create in Me blog that I am the poster child for the yo-yo dieter and as most dieters I am so sick of this life. I have lived the past 25 years pretty much either losing weight or gaining weight. I think that the only time I ever maintained my weight was for one year because I had gall stones and I didn't have health insurance to have the gall bladder removed. I spent the year eating a virtually fat free diet so that I could avoid a gall stone attack. Let me just say that I have had two babies "al natural" and I have never experienced the kind of pain you endure during a gall bladder attack. I would rather go through several birthing experiences than to have one of those! Needless to say, as soon as the insurance came and the Dr. got that gall bladder out, the weight began to creep back up. Oh how I would love to figure out how much weight I have lost and gained over my lifetime, on second thought, maybe I wouldn't.

Because I am miserable and uncomfortable, and I have a closet and garage full of cute clothes that don't fit me I decided AGAIN to go on ANOTHER diet. Sigh...
I just don't think I have it in me anymore, seriously. Last time I lost weight I was approaching 40 and I just knew that this would be the last time. I can speak from experience that the older you get the harder it is to get all this fat off. And really, I'm not sure what happened, but the minute I turned 40 my body changed. Amazing. I was so determined to face this era of my life with the greatest of dignity and laugh in the face of aging, but life is cruel and it has been so enlightening to see that no matter how hard I try to think that I am young, or how young at heart I think I am, aging happens and it's getting the last laugh.

As I ran back to God this time I have been pleading with him to help me once again. I am thinking, I can't do what I have always done, it will not work. Or if it does it won't be for long. Other times I thought it was different, I honestly did. Don't we all, because we could never see ourselves in THAT place again, so we give away all of our "fat" clothes and with determination we decide to begin the new life we have made for ourselves. One where we feel we have conquered it all, we have "arrived" and we can find great joy and happiness with our new look.
Everyone notices and sings the praises we have so desperately been longing for, those that to some extent help us feel like we have some worth. We feel so secure. Or do we?

Today I dragged my book out from under the bed, blew off the dust and began to read, this time slowly. The more I red the more I began to see what I think deep inside I have always known. There is something so much deeper here to deal with than the unwanted weight I carry around. There is a weight that is so much heavier that the 50 lbs. I long to lose. The weight of insecurity.

So this is where my journey begins. And for some strange reason I want you to come along with me. I have so many deserts to cross, mountains to climb and rivers to cross, no telling how many detours or scenic routs we will have to take, but where I want to get to is a promised land. Maybe where my luggage will be 50 lbs. lighter, maybe not. I personally can't wait for what the Lord has in store for me. Come take your bags, some water and maybe some Kleenex, if not for you, I know I will certainly need some along the way.

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